THE FEAR: Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag during the Premier League match at Old Trafford, Manchester. Pic: Ian Hodgson/PA Wire.

Oh dear. Well, Erik ten Hag cut an impressive, business-like figure as he marched out at Old Trafford, the latest lamb to the Old Trafford slaughter. Then the football started. United were filleted and gutted by a fluid, cohesive Brighton from the start. Playing Christian Eriksen as a false 9 was a perplexing decision. The fact that he and the rest of the team looked like they hadn’t a clue how to play the system was simply embarrassing, amateurish even. 

They put little pressure on the Brighton defence in the first half, they were too static, too slow to spot Brighton’s runs in behind. New Argentinian signing Lisandro Martínez, inappropriately nicknamed ‘the butcher’ didn’t do any butchering and looked out of his depth as an imperious Danny Welback simply ran over him and had to be pulled back in return for a yellow card. 

The second goal went from Brighton’s defensive third without a single challenge being made. It was an abject first-half performance. The second half was a little improved as they abandoned the system and dropped Eriksen deeper which was obviously where he should have been from the start. The old lag, CR7, came on but was irrelevant. United scrambled a goal but didn’t deserve to even get a point. 

Last season Brighton never lost a game when they scored first and so it was here. They kept cutting open United on the counterattack The ten Haag that walked off somehow looked smaller than the one that had arrived. Interviewed after the game, he already had The Fear in his eyes. The Glazers looked on and couldn’t have cared less.

What is so impressive about the Seagulls is that they are clearly coached in a distinctive, methodical way. Graham Potter has produced a side at relatively low cost that is greater than the sum of their parts, all working in harmony. Last season they seriously lacked goals, but if they can keep Danny Welbeck fit, it will make all the difference because he stretches play and is indefatigable. Potter deserves so many plaudits for what he is achieving at Brighton and he should be favourite to replace Gareth Southgate as England manager, possessing, as he does, many similar qualities of man management married to a better tactical brain. It only ended 2-1 to Brighton  but they handed out a real beating for their first win at Old Trafford.

Arenal are in the pink 

It was an encouraging first half for Arsenal on Friday night, with Gabriel Jesus playing very well. They dominated a frenetic, sometimes messy 45 minutes against Crystal Palace, the Gunners keen to impress and make an opening day statement. Passing too often went astray on both sides in a game that was played too fast for accuracy. However, Palace dominated the second 45 and dominated possession too, 56% to 44%. 

Eberechi Eze should’ve scored, Wilf Zaha was a constant threat. The Arsenal defence creaked but didn’t give way, in no small measure due to William Saliba having an excellent first game. A draw wouldn’t have been unfair but Marc Guehi’s 85th-minute own goal settled it. The performances will have pleased both sets of fans. 

On the fashion front, Arsenal’s new away shirt has the accidental slightly pink look of white t-shirts washed with a red sock, which will surely have what marketing experts might call ‘niche appeal’.

Mitrović gets off to a great start 

That Aleksandar Mitrović scored twice against Liverpool is a great sign for Fulham. Having netted an extraordinary 43 in 44 league games last term, but only three in his last Premier League season, all eyes were on him to see if he could replicate last campaign's amazing stats. He played the game just as he played so many last season. Scored with a powerful header and a well-taken penalty. If, and it’s still a big if, he can score over 20 goals this season, Fulham will likely stay up. He is that important to them.

Nunez makes his case to start 

A somewhat typical Liverpool game ended in a well-deserved draw for Fulham. The Reds started slowly, gave chances away, but were direct and penetrating going forward: Plus ça change. Darwin Nunez looks to have settled in right away, despite starting on the bench, scoring Liverpool’s first after just six minutes on the pitch. His goal surely demands that he starts instead of Roberto Firmino for the next game. 

Jurgen Klopp hated the performance and they did look a bit rusty, but the old machine will soon click into top gear. Mo Salah scored and looks especially perky, which is dangerous for the other 19 teams. The Thiago injury is a blow but not one they can’t overcome.

Everyone's favourites for relegation got off to a great start with a 2-0 win over Aston Villa. However, this was more a case of the opposition throwing in a very poor performance rather than the Cherries being fantastic. The fact they won with 34% possession tells its own story of Villa’s ineptitude. It was an efficient performance scoring two goals from three shots at goal but they will seldom face a side as unthreatening as Villa, who had just two strikes at the goal. Steven Gerrard said before the game that his team needed to walk the walk but that seemed a long way out of reach on Saturday.

Kieffer Moore’s first top-flight strike 

The 29-year-old, 6’ 5” striker scored his first Premier League goal for Bournemouth on Saturday, in his first Premier League game in his 10-year career. The big Welshman started at Truro in the Conference South and has made it to the top flight after playing for 11 clubs prior to signing for Bournemouth, never staying longer than two seasons at any. With 117 goals in 343 games, he’s hardly the most prolific goalscorer, but the game needs its unglamorous journeymen who have made it to the top the hard way.

It’s a dilemma. Sportswashing’s Newcastle United played a solid winning game against newly promoted Forest. However, reporting on them just adds to the successful sportswashing of the heinous Saudi Arabian ownership, just makes their bloody stain on football incrementally more acceptable. The more everyone treats them like a normal club, the more successful the sportswashing is. This has worked so well for Manchester City - whose ownership is now more or less completely sanitised via their investment in football. But it's worth remembering these are intolerant regimes and they’ve only bought football clubs to try and make themselves look better. It works. But only because we forget or don't care enough. We shouldn’t let football wash their sins away, should we?

Will this be the season Spurs stop being Spursy?

If Spurs are winning 4-1 without Harry Kane or Heung-Min Son scoring, then maybe we should take them more seriously than usual. Their game against Southampton was all over after 63 minutes and they played out the last half hour as though it was pre-season friendly. Partly this was due to Southampton being some flavour of hopeless, but Spurs' degree of control was exceptional, despite failing a goal behind to James Ward Prowse after 12 minutes. Of course the very essence of Spursiness is to look very good, to get everyone’s hopes up, only for them to flush the season down the toilet when the going gets tough. But even so, this was impressive, however, Saints boss Ralph Hassenhutl is surely already on borrowed time.

If the fans at Goodison were expecting life to be easier this season after their flirtation with relegation, Saturday evening's game should have disavowed them of the notion. The players that started the game didn’t look properly fit and even the crowd was a little lethargic. Injuries to Ben Godfrey and Yerry Mina just made Everton worse. Playing Anthony Gordon as a centre-forward was ambitious/desperate but last season’s only standout player got zero change out of Cesar Azpilicueta, Thiago Silva and Kalidou Koulibaly. On this evidence, manager Frank Lampard will have all of his average managerial talents tested if he’s going to avoid a season spent in the bottom third.

While Everton were dull and inspired, the Blues were hardly much better, winning with a Jorginho penalty. It felt as though the contest was played at pre-season pace as manager Thomas Tuchel scowled on the touchline. Only Raheem Sterling broke the lines and offered any threat. They badly needed some dynamism and energy in midfield but Tuchel opted to bring Conor Gallagher on just minutes from the end, even though he is the very embodiment of those qualities. Despite being awarded 16 corners and 11 free kicks they made nothing from any of them. They ended up with 63% possession and used all five substitutes, but the only good thing was the three points.

This game should dispel any notions of West Ham challenging for the top six. They were outclassed against Manchester City. The Hammers hit the first man from set plays, gave the ball away cheaply and chased the ball in 30-degree heat. David Moyes' only tactic was to try to deny City space by putting a lot of men behind the ball which meant that striker Michail Antonio was isolated and had just eight touches in the first half. This was outdated tactically, typically negative and unimaginative and was never going to work. He had to change it in the second half to open the game up and try to score. They had chances but they were never good enough and Erling Haaland put them to the sword. West Ham will play far worse sides than City, but they need to develop a more sophisticated tactical approach, but is that beyond Moyes’ talents?

He is poetry in motion. The way he opened up his body for the second goal and hit it first time was wonderful. His turn and sprint for the penalty made West Ham’s defenders look like they were wading through treacle. Put the ball in front of him to run onto and he never takes more than one touch before hitting it hard and true. If he doesn’t get over 30 goals this season it will be a shock.

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